I would like to consider myself a woman reasonably gifted with words. I normally know how to string sentences together, but I also tend to talk way too much and too often (even making a career out of it!) so perhaps I’ve just had a lot of practice.

My greatest God-moments, though, are when He is working in a way that I can’t explain or write down, and He gently whispers to me, “Rest in Me, instead of needing to define Me.” 

These moments are incredibly frustrating when I can’t put to words what God is doing. A rainy January evening in 2016 was no exception.

Even today looking back through old journals, I’m at a loss for words because Jesus has moved so mightily that I don’t know what to say about that healing season that would do Him justice. 

I experienced the presence of my Almighty Comforter like I never had before that night as I knelt sobbing uncontrollably, alone in my cold empty house. Feeling completely lost, discouraged, and simply broken before Him.

I cried out pleading to Jesus for a miracle because I found myself slipping frighteningly further and further away from Him, and He did it.

I don’t even know specifically what it was, but He did it. He pulled me back in when I was running away. He fought for me. He won my heart. He pursued me. 

I'm convinced that the Lord had been holding my heart; He had been keeping its broken, fragile pieces held tightly in His loving hands; but that's all He had been doing so far--- holding it, not healing it. He wouldn’t yet begin healing until I was put under anesthesia. Otherwise, the healing process would’ve hurt far worse than the pain. I believe the night I finally gave up straining, the Lord gave me that final shot to numb the pain and began healing my stubborn and fragile brokenness.

Jesus took my hand and began to show me I could trust Him, that He loved me, wanted me, and was for me. All I know is that I asked Him to come through and He did. As my fears swirled around me like a heavy fog, His piercing beautiful light invaded every heartbreaking place within making the darkness flee. His strong love battled for my heart and flooded me with unparalleled peace. I wish I could better describe what He did, but every one-liner I have falls flat. He simply loved me. 

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”- Psalm 147:3

Brokenness is an attitude of the heart that is completely submitted before the Lord. No stubbornness, resistance, or self-will is within the heart of a person that is completely broken and real before the Lord. Something profound and supernatural takes place when you are submitted before the Almighty God. Being broken surely leads to blessing---a blessing I am now overwhelmingly and undeservingly aware of. 

"We have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies"-2 Corinthians 4:7-10

There’s a quote we’ve all heard (attributed to numerous different people) that says something along the lines: of there’s a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in. But I believe Paul is really saying the opposite here in 2 Corinthians. We are all broken and that how the light gets out!

The preceding verse in 2 Corinthians 4:6 says “Let light shine out of darkness.” God made light to shine out of the darkness. You are a jar of clay, lovingly crafted by a Potter with a plan (Isaiah 64:8 NIV). When you open up and share the brokenness in your life, including your sin, your struggle, and your pain, God’s power is made known!  Your ministry is found when you’ve been broken, but your testimony is found when you’ve been restored. If we share only the good parts of our lives, we only share the victory and our need for a Savior is never really shown to others. When we share the difficult things that God has miraculously brought us through and redeemed for good, that’s when the light gets out!

In my surrender to Jesus, I gave up what I had been straining, struggling, and striving to hold onto. I gave up that night---not my will to continue the fight but the desire to fight this battle all alone. If I learned anything through that unsettling season of doubt, it’s that if you stop trying so hard to save yourself, He promises to come through. He held my fists back and helped me stop fighting Him this time. When you give up your false sense of strength, when you stop grasping to try to heal your own heart or be your own god—but fervently seek His heart and submit to Him as God, He will hold nothing back in loving you fiercely. As you search out His Word and wrestle with Him in prayer, you will become more whole and healed than you could ever do on your own.

I wish I could describe it better, but there are no words to comprehend the miraculous healing that took place in the months and even years that followed. Our God does immeasurably more than we can begin to fathom (Ephesians 3:20 NIV). I think the writers of Hillsong United’s song Here Now capture it well: “it makes no sense but this is grace”. He frustrates me when I can’t describe Him, but I think the greatest loves involve a bit of frustration in not being able to fully understand the other person when you so desperately want to. 

Looking back on what Jesus did during my darkest season, these two verses encapsulate beautifully the healing season I would not trade for anything today: 

“I would have lost heart unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Waiton the Lord, be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart. Wait, I say, on the Lord.” -Psalm 27:13-14

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Hannah is a twenty-something Tucson native saved by the overwhelming grace of Christ. She has a bachelor’s in Chemistry from the University of Arizona and currently works in a research lab while also pursuing her master’s degree. Hannah loves creating videos for her church, listening to country music, camping and hiking, binge watching Gilmore Girls and spontaneous road trips. Her favorite days consist of a great cup of coffee, a good book, and a comfy chair watching the rain pour. She longs to see young women thrive in their relationship with Jesus, knowing He always has immeasurably more in store for us.